The Philadelphia Union are moving on in Champions Cup, but boy did they ever make it hard on themselves last night. But enough about the game, how about that commentating? I wasn’t sure at first but by I don’t think I’ve ever been more entertained listening to a match than I did listening to George Metellus calling the game on FS2. Thankfully, I’m not alone in that.

In the email today:

1. 🏟️ Union Survive Saprissa to Advance in Champions Cup

Let me paint a picture for you: A lone commentator tells Jada Pinkett Smith jokes as he calls a match with seemingly endless VAR checks, 36 total shots, 52 total fouls, six total goals, five total yellow cards and one red card. If that isn’t Concacaf enough for you, I don’t know what is. 

The drama started early on Tuesday night, with the Union conceding a penalty just 14 minutes into the match when Jakob Glesnes was called for a foul on Deportivo Saprissa’s Javon East in the area. It looked like East put his body between himself and the ball, forcing the official into a difficult decision when Glesnes’s leg went through East in his attempt to clear the ball away. The official consulted with the video review booth for what felt like an eternity, scampered over to the video monitor, and eventually decided to give the penalty. Luis Paradela, Saprissa’s captain, stepped up to the spot and buried the spot kick to put his Costa Rican side ahead 1-0 on the night, and to level the aggregate score of the tie at 3-3. However, the Union still held all the cards due to their 3 away goals in the first leg. 

Just three minutes later, Quinn Sullivan found a bit of space out on the right wing and delivered a peach of a ball into the box where Julian Carranza picked up where he left off in the first leg and sent a glancing header into the back of the net to level the match at 1-1 and extend the Union aggregate lead to 4-3. 

Sullivan then accentuated his recent run of good form in the 26th minute when he finished off a rebound from Markus Anderson and Daniel Gazdag’s efforts to put the Union ahead 2-1 in the match and 5-3 on aggregate. At this point, all signs pointed to the Union cruising to a Round of 16 birth without a sweat.

Then, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how sadistic you are), Concacaf happened. 

In the 28th minute, just two minutes after Sullivan’s goal, Saprissa’s Warren Madrigal latched onto a loose ball in the box, without a single Union defender intervening, and tied the match 2-2. With the aggregate score at 5-4, things began to get even more nervy for the Union. 

In the 62nd minute, things took a turn for the nightmarish. Horror scenes of Concacaf Champions Cups past began to flutter through Union fans’ heads as a Mariano Torres belter of a free kick found its way past Andre Blake’s understudy, 25 year-old German goalkeeper Oliver Semmle, to put Saprissa ahead 3-2 on the night, and to completely level the aggregate score at 5-5, canceling out the Union’s away goal advantage. 

But that wasn’t all. In the 93rd minute, Jack Elliott put in a studs up challenge on Saprissa’s Javon East with no apparent attempt to get the ball, and was given a straight red. As the official’s whistle signaled the end of the first 90 minutes, the Union were faced with the challenge of holding off a Saprissa side that had already scored 5 goals in two matches for 30 minutes… with just 10 men. 

Luckily for the Union, Mikael Uhre had a magic moment left in him. Four minutes into extra time, a Jack McGlynn corner somehow slithered through a crowded Saprissa penalty area and found its way to an unmarked Uhre, who was lurking at the back post waiting to smash the ball into the back of the net. The Dane’s goal tied the match at 3-3 and put the Union back in front 6-5 on aggregate. 

The remainder of the match was filled with scary moments for the Union. 

In the 108th minute, Semmle made an Andre Blake-esque save to stop a chipped effort from Saprissa’s Kendall Waston to keep the Union in the driver’s seat. And then in the 119th minute, the Union escaped an absolute onslaught of chances from Saprissa, as two efforts hit the crossbar and one rolled just wide of the target. 

But after everyone caught their breath, the final whistle blew and the Union had somehow advanced to the Concacaf Champions Cup Round of 16. Coming off a 3-2 win in Costa Rica in the first leg, the Union just had to… well… not completely fall apart in the return fixture at Subaru Park. And 120 minutes after the opening whistle, they just barely managed to accomplish that. But, as Malcolm X once said, “By any means necessary.” The means, in this instance, just weren’t very easy on the eye. See you next Tuesday for the Union’s Round of 16 matchup with C.F. Pachuca of Liga MX. 

-Hunter Firment

2. 🎙️ ‘More Beautiful Than Halle Berry in the ‘90s’

Fans turning on FS2 on Tuesday night were greeted with one of the stranger broadcasts in recent memory.

A one-man show calling the game, the initial reaction was one of confusion as the guy on the mic started weaving in comments about Jada Pinkett Smith, nicknamed Kai Wagner “The Night Crawler” seemingly on the spot and made references to Allen Iverson, Rocky and other Philadelphia icons.

The gut reaction to this unorthodox approach was derision for many, myself included, but the more he talked the more amusing and fun it became. The play on the field was Concacafy as it gets - unpredictable and strange - but the guy watching along commenting was charmingly unpredictable and entertaining as the game droned on.

Every reference on the field to a player or a play in the game opened the door for a new and exciting reference, be it to Halle Berry, Prince, George Washington crossing the Delaware, Dade County Public Education, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or some other reference from the mind of a man who is clearly well-versed in a variety of subjects outside the world of sports.

By the time the 120 minutes had ended, many of the same fans who were poking fun were fully backing him. It was like the broadcaster version of the Gritty phenomenon.

Now a day later, fans are still talking about George D. Metellus, the broadcaster who won over hearts and minds and who we may need to petition FS2 to keep on the Union beat for the remainder of their time in the Champions Cup. He’s no Danny Higginbotham, JP or Dave Leno but his unique voice and entertaining approach amkes a perfect companion for late night Concacaf madness.

3. 🏆 Tweet of the Day: Man of the Match

4. 💧 Water Cooler: Goal Prediction Results

5. 🔗 Link Roundup

• Kris Shakes is turning pro. The former Union Academy and Union II has signed on with New Mexico United after a standout college career at Penn State.

• Speaking of Penn State, Joe Lister has his takeaways from last night’s wild one in Chester.

• Northeastern Pennsylvania team Back Mountain Torrent has been promoted to the top United Women’s Soccer division after a successful unbeaten season in UWS League Two last year.

• The 1970 FA Cup final is considered the “most brutal game in English football history.”

• Nicole Barnhart leads the 11-member class of 2024 being inducted into the Southeastern Pennsylvania Soccer Hall of Fame.

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